Building a sense of entitlement and belonging is not the same as being attached. This sense is related to attachment, yet it differs. One can be firmly attached but not feel entitled or fully embrace the parenting role. One can feel quite entitled to a child who is not attaching well. There are quite a few reasons this becomes a complex discussion. It appears that entitlement is not just a task for adoptive parents who struggle with infertility, but also for adoptive parents who chose to adopt in lieu or in addition to becoming biological parents. Children raised in adoptive homes need to build their own sense of entitlement to their parents and having a family, but this is a two way street. This sense of entitlement also needs to be developed by extended family, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc.

The result of creating this sense is a warm network for a family that feels they belong together and deserve one another. When a sense of entitlement is lacking, the feeling that something is missing in the relationships can develop and can be skirted around uncomfortably.

One of the first steps in adoption is being honest with oneself about the motivation to adopt. This often means the adoptive parents must face their feelings about infertility and the loss that accompanies that. For adoptees, this may involve understanding why they are adopted. It is also important to fully embrace that there are unavoidable ways a child who is not related by birth may have differences from the family through “nature versus nurture”. Some adoptive families have chosen to honor the mother  who “gave life” to their child by lighting a candle, saying a prayer, writing a letter to her or some open recognition of her role in their life around Mother’s day. It is also important to recognize the family will have to develop a public “story” of why they have chosen to adopt and why the child has been placed for adoption. One of the gifts we can give our children is our willingness to do the personal work necessary to embrace our own senses of entitlement as parents in adoption and to join our family and friends with us in that process.

In the classic children’s book, the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams, the Rabbit asks “What is real?” And the skin horse, the philosopher of the nursery responded by reminding the rabbit that, yes, becoming real does sometimes hurt, and that it usually doesn’t happen easily to people who need to be “carefully kept.” Real, advised the skin horse, usually happens after your fur has been loved off and your eyes have dropped out, but that doesn’t matter. For when you are real, you can only be ugly to those who do not understand.

Building a sense of entitlement to one another is a part of the claiming and bonding process for all of those in adoption-expanded families. It’s about believing, with all of one’s being, that you are  that you are deserving, of these children whose life you share  in memory with the birth parents who gave them that gift. As you feel entitled and fall in love with your child, you know that you belong together as a whole strong family.

At the beginning, Deborah’s behavior was lethargic and she was uninterested in doing things around the home and in the community.  Mary and her family worked each day with Deborah to conquer the issues that prevented her from being happy.  Every time Deborah’s LSG case manager came to conduct a home visit, Deborah would make great strides on her goals.   Currently, Debora’s personality is very outgoing; she is very happy and enjoys shopping.

Deborah also attends a day center, where she learns daily living skills and has been introduced to sign language.  Deborah is capable of speaking but she had always had an interest in learning sign language because she wants to be able to communicate with people who are deaf.  Since she has taken the classes, Deborah has assisted others in teaching basic sign language to people at the day center and at home.

During her time in her host home, Deborah has blossomed to become a beautiful, mature, well-rounded woman with goals, dreams, and accomplishments.  We pray and hope that Deborah continues to grow for many years to come!

Reflecting on my experience as a seminary student helping with the program, I have seen a glimpse of the kingdom of God from the students I tutor. The students are from a wonderful mix of backgrounds and from all over the globe. Refugees, immigrants, and native-born U.S. citizens learn, play, and create together.  The kids get along with simplicity and joy in the messy, beautiful world of elementary school tutoring, full of differences.

As I go forward in ministry, I can’t help but look back to these children as models. To my students and the Holy Spirit that works amongst them, it is my turn to ask “Like this? Does the kingdom of God look like this?”

Luke 18:16: “But Jesus called for them and said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs.”

Haley Mills is a student at the Candler School of Theology of Emory University.  For her Contextual Education Community Placement, she served with Lutheran Service of Georgia’s Refugee Services weekly during the 2011-2012 school year as and ESL assistant teacher and as a tutor in the ASAP Afterschool Academic/Arts Program. 

In honor of May being National Foster Care Month, Lutheran Services of Georgia (LSG) would like to recognize the compassionate people who make a difference in children’s lives by serving as foster parents, advocates, social workers and volunteers. This month and throughout the year, LSG works in conjunction with these generous individuals to find and support loving foster homes for children in Georgia.

LSG provides foster care services for children who have been placed in the custody of the Division of Family and Children Services for protection from abuse or neglect, as well as for children committed to the Department of Juvenile Justice for delinquency.

According to Katherine McKenzie, senior program manager in LSG’s Savannah office, foster parents provide for the safety and wellbeing of the child while the birth family completes tasks necessary for their return home. The LSG foster parents bring the children into their homes, their lives and their hearts.

“If there is not a foster home available in a foster child’s home county, he or she often must be moved away,” McKenzie said. “In addition to being to separation from his or her birth family, this move further disrupts a child’s life by forcing them to change schools and leave a familiar place. Moving the child out of county can also result in fewer visits with family members if the family doesn’t have the means to travel independently.”

Along with foster care services, LSG also works to reunify birth parents with their children in foster care whenever possible through Family Intervention Services (FIS), which offers programs such as parenting classes, supervised visitation, counseling and transportation.

May is a time to celebrate the important role that foster parents play in nurturing and caring for Coastal Georgia’s children. We appreciate all you do!

I wondered about her home life, the safety of both her and her child. What were their long-term prospects? And why did she come to a church she had never been to before? What was she really looking for? Was she only there to discuss baptism? She taught me something that day about the importance of the role of the church to be compassionate, merciful, and available in addressing the complex needs of people in our community.

I was reminded of this incident this week when I learned that, in the past month, two pregnant teenage girls came to LSG to place their unborn child up for adoption. For each of them, it was their second child. People of faith and the church need to be both an available resource and a compassionate witness to God’s love in addressing the many difficult needs of people in our community. We are all called to bring hope, healing, and strength to a broken and hurting world – to the many whose anguish declares, “I just want somebody to love me.”

• Nurturing and attachment

• Knowledge of parenting and of child and youth development

• Parental resilience

• Social connections

• Concrete supports for parents

• Social and emotional developmental well-being

April is a time to celebrate the important role that communities play in protecting children. In our country, a child is abused or neglected every 36 seconds, and, according to the Department of Health and Human Services, only 40 percent of abused children receive the services they need. Focusing on ways to build and promote the protective factors, in every interaction with children and families, is the best thing our community can do to prevent child maltreatment and promote optimal child development.

Adoptive families are surprised when they take their new child to the park or skating or to a sporting event and they may discover the child has no idea what to do or how to initiate play. The stress of traumatic early experiences can cause short term impact to a child’s ability to engage in childlike play. The brain immersed with trauma functions on a survival response to the perceived threat.  This is the opposite of play. The stress is restricting and confining to the child, separating them from their natural ability to play.

The happy news is that children never lose their ability to learn – and to learn to play. It is important to help them recapture a sense of childlike playfulness. The play they may engage in without modeling can seem focused on control, winning, losing, and rules. The parent can teach the child to play and incorporate opportunities for play in daily life. Model  childlike pleasure and fun in engaging in activities yourself. Design environments that create the opportunity for silliness, laughter, and expression of childhood enjoyment. Being outside, running and games without winning or losing contexts are wonderful to provide this experience.

Play can provide healing in its purest form. So, as the weather is warming up, the parks are full of chances to explore and engage with one another. Take the time to GET OUTSIDE AND PLAY with one another. Have fun with your new child and help them learn the games that will help them heal and recapture the silliness and goofiness of being a child.

J. Anne Boyte
Program Coordinator
Heritage Adoption.

“It’s very inspiring to all of us at LSG to see the continued outpouring of support from our volunteers,” said Bob Gibeling Volunteer Coordinator for the agency. “My colleague Melanie Johnson has been especially effective in boosting the volunteer service in Refugee Services.”

On top of this success comes the record level of participation in the 2012 Hunger Walk on March 11.  Approximately 600 people walked with Lutheran Services of Georgia in the agency’s largest fundraising event of the year.

We have a wide variety of sources who give volunteer service, ranging from individual members of congregations, board of directors members, student interns and college groups donating service during break times to people doing job related public service work. LSG is especially happy to become a popular destination for college service teams from all over the East Coast of the United States, ranging from Maine to Florida. The Lutheran Campus Ministry in Atlanta has provided volunteers to run the LSG registration desk at the Hunger Walk for many years.

Last October, LSG held a Volunteer Appreciation Night. We plan to hold another appreciation special event next winter. Stay tuned for details. In the meantime we say thank you by featuring some photos of volunteers who have contributed greatly to the mission of serving people in need.